The Greatness of Learning How to say No and Euphoria from HBO
Believe it or not dear Reader; one of the things that caught my attention to make “The Greatness of Learning How To say No!” post is this tv show called Euphoria from HBO (the one tv show everyone is talking about and there are lots of reasons why). Have you seen it? I bet you have! In any case Hello again Dear Reader! Hope you are happy and in good terms with existence as usual.
So yes, going back to what I was saying; and for those who haven’t seen it (please whenever you can watch it, go for it and have a tv binge over it cause it’s an amazing serie) Euphoria is today’s new Beverly Hills 90210; with drugs, sex and violence everywhere. Originally from Israel, this valuable adaptation by HBO offers a glimpse not only of today’s adolescent problems; the tools of escape from emotions that are implemented, but also the existential challenges that every human being (especially in the adolescent age) goes through in a very raw, emotional, and realistic way.
Every teenager of the serie; resemble situations of trauma; past pain and mental health issues that are very common among todays population (so needless to say this tv show caught my attention from day one). And season 2 is out and running! so one aspect that inspired me to talk about the greatness of learning how to say No was one of the main striking characters there is in the series Euphoria; season 2.
Cassie; portraited by Sydney Sweeney; Maddy’s friend. (spoiler alert!) The sensitive blonde that won’t know how to say no and ends up screwing her best friends ex.
“At least I’m loved” is the main phrase she uses relating her evolvement with Nate (her best friends “sweetheart” Ex). Very much like Brenda and Kelly back in Beverly Hills 90210 from 1995. Minus the sweetness and a lot more alcohol and toxic cycles involved.
Euphoria Serie is one show that has proven not only how kids are doing nowadays (relating #mentalhealth); but also, the tendency and tools used to process different emotions.
For characters like Rue, addiction helps her to run away from her feelings of pain and despair out of her father’s loss without actually having to deal with them; making her even more addicted to evasive tools like the use of drugs.
We can add to this serie another favorite character of mine! Maddy; one good example of how faking a pseudo-self-esteem can lead you towards toxic relationships in life and violence ando having people praising you for how strong you look and self-confident.
But in the second season, the character that strike me the most was Cassie, 1st of all. It was one hell of a good performance! So well done Sydney!. 2nd it portraits the reality of many women teenagers or not, when it comes to gain love and destroy themselves in the process.
To be quite honest Dear Reader; I most certainly felt very identified with Cassie. I could relate my past years as codependent in her; and I’m sure lots of people have found her situation of giving and giving and giving parts of themselves away to gain love at any cost.
There’s an specific part of these episodes where she is talking to her friend Maddy… I believe its my favorite part out of the whole season.
They were there laying and chilling over the pool; Maddy tells her something like: “like when you don’t feel like doing it; you just got to say no. instead of saying Yes…”.
After this comment, that seemed so obvious, Cassie practically could recall every toxic situation she got involved in because it simply didn’t occur to her that she could say No. it didn’t even entered the possibility in her mind to say no… whether it was right or wrong, it didn’t matter. Anything anyone asked out of her instantly she would go ahead and say yes.
I cannot begin to tell you how incredibly identified I was with that scene. Perhaps I didn’t run away dancing in a pink swimsuit all over the house like Cassie did in Maddy’s birthday. But I could relate to the fact that saying No, the lack of boundaries would get me to surrendering to those who most probably wouldn’t deserve it; at all. Leaving me empty, depressed and even more lonely.
In Cassie character is impressive how they manage to portrait how the lack of boundaries leads you to destroy long time friendships, how we can heavily damage one’s self-esteem and get us into painful experiences that end up having dishonoring one true sense of self.
In my personal experience Dear Reader; to tell lies before saying No was the best choice. Every single time.
That’s how hard and exhausting it got for me to say no. and also; I resemble me getting into problems, anger and self-reproach for saying yes to things; people or actions when I actually wanted to say no.
There wasn’t 1 single time when I said Yes; and wanted to say No that left me happy or fulfilled; on the contrary, It dishonored me… made me less of a priority and very often felt used; exhausted and drained. But I guess having to deal with me feeling guilty, insufficient, or alone was better than to actually being honest with what I wanted for myself and being left out for that matter. rejected.
Just like Cassie said… “At Least I am loved” …
Obviously nowadays, after lots of inner work; myself more nourished, strong and basically more emotionally matured I know better.
But I have seen during therapy with my patients, and in my own nourishment of the self-journey that saying no, especially when saying yes means to gain a few crumbs of affection from those we (desperately) love can become impossible. Hard and incredible guilt ridden.
It goes against one’s nature for its to say.
Just like Cassie did. The way she kept trying and trying and saying yes when actually wanted to say no in many of the situations that happened in the series; led her to betray herself.
Is a reality many of us encounter; and most importantly…It’s a reality many of us continue even towards adulthood when things get even more complicated.
After watching this amazing show that I highly recommend to you Dear Reader; I have remembered how hard it was for me to actually learn this part of the process… how life changing was and what of a huge aspect to talk about is to manage the Art of Saying No.
It is another crucial aspect of the nourishment of the self-journey that we cannot miss in order to create safe boundaries that will protect ourselves from being taken advantaged and take unnecessary risk in the name of “love”.
Let’s take this matter to studies and facts
As social psychologist Dr. Vanessa K. Bohns writes in a 2016 research review examining people’s influence over others, “Many people agree to things — even things they would prefer not to do — simply to avoid the considerable discomfort of saying ‘no.’”
For example, a series of small studies, published in 2014, found that when asked, many people would acquiesce and commit unethical acts, such as telling a white lie or vandalizing a book — even when they felt these acts were perceived as wrong.
As social creatures who want to be part of the herd, we also want to preserve our relationships. So, we might blurt out yes because we don’t want to be seen as difficult, says Dr. Emily Anhalt, a clinical psychologist and co-founder of Coa, an online mental fitness club.
Or, we don’t want to disappoint a good friend or hurt someone’s feelings, notes Dr. Nicole Washington, a board-certified psychiatrist and the chief medical officer of Elocin Psychiatric Services.
Another reason yes pours out of us? Our past.
According to Anhalt, while growing up, you might’ve not learned to advocate for yourself.
“It’s also possible that you say yes because you deeply want to help. But you forget that your ability to accommodate others isn’t an endless well,” Anhalt says.
In other cases — like a work situation — we might worry that saying no says something about our ability to accomplish a certain task, adds Washington. Put another way, we think declining makes us look incompetent.
For whatever reason we might have for not being able to say no; the final sensation is always the same. We always end up feeling deep inside that something is not quite Okay.
The sensation of self-sacrifice towards something we really do not want to do is latent; and not even those few crumbles or affection are enough to patch up us dishonoring ourselves.
Saying No; takes courage, from the smallest of actions such as is to not go to a friend’s get together, to bigger decision such is moving from a marriage you feel empty about.
Every time you avoid to say no. Something negative tends to happen.
But When its time to say No?!
Important question to ask yourself when a specific situation occurs and its time for you to give a response about it.
- Will saying yes prevent me from focusing on something that’s more important?
- Does this potential project, opportunity, or activity align with my values, beliefs, and goals?
- What are my core values, beliefs, and current goals?
- Will saying yes make me even more tired or burnt out?
- Will saying yes be good for my mental health? Or will it worsen my symptoms?
- In the past, when have I said yes and then ended up regretting it?
- When am I more likely to accept a request I’d rather decline? How can I reduce these challenges?
How many of us have encountered ourselves saying yes when we actually want to say no? Why do we do that to ourselves? And whenever we do that… isn’t the cost of it just too high?
In my particular case Dear Reader, I sure struggled with this. For me learning to say No, creating healthy boundaries was one of the hardest aspects of my own nourishment of the self-journey.
I can still recall how easily I got manipulated for the one person I thought it was my “true love” at the time; obviously it ended up being a sociopath who abused me every time he could.
And while I was there; braking apart to gain the few crumbs of affection. desperate and broken I ended feeling even more broken, sad and shitty about myself for saying yes when I wanted to say no.
What its sometimes funny to me (nowadays obviously) is that often times we tend to say Yes; only to be part of. And in the end… we end up isolating ourselves and keep ourselves far from true honest nourishing relationships; that will make us feel good and thankful to be alive. truly.
We end up feeling the exact thing we wish to avoid.
I will be talking more about this matter, since I consider one crucial aspect many of us find struggling with on daily basis.
Conclusions
Saying No; learning how to say no means we care about us, about how our time on this earth matters and how we choose ourselves effectively.
You care Dear Reader; your time is the one most valuable aspect in your life that cannot be gained back under any circumstances. Every time you say yes to something that you do not want; you dishonor yourself and your precious time.
And if it turns out that you lose people in the process of learning how to say no and when you start setting boundaries; that is Okay. Its Okay to feel lonely, awkward and isolated while it happens. A lot of people do not like boundaries; and for sure do not like to be told No. But if they leave for that reason; let them go.
The greatness of learning how to say No allows you to honor the one person you should be honoring every single time possible, and that is yourself. You would be working towards a better sense of self, towards a more genuine relationship with yourself; and that shows, and also, it opens the door to a room were genuine, healthy relationships. Honest relationships can arrive.
I hope you find this one useful dear Reader; I would love to know your thoughts on this one, so come along and leave your comments down below.
What do you think about saying no? is it difficult for you as well? And what about Euphoria TV Show? What is your favorite character?
Till Next time Dear Reader.
Sending you Love always!
Eugenia Rivero